Best Buy recommends that I do not fight their employee.
It’s been over 5 months since I posted something on here. I took a little break to focus on other things (mostly googling funny pictures of Nicolas Cage) and I didn’t want to just post sub-par cow shit on here. But recently I came to the realization that everything I ever posted was sub-par cow shit, so let’s just pick up where we left off. Last week my father and I had a very lively and intellectual discussion on the Obama/Romney thing that happened. Here it is.
Me: Hey did you vote yesterday?
Me: Did you vote?
Dad: For what?
Me: The presidential election. For president of our country.
Dad: Oh that one. Yeah.
Me: What other election is there?
Dad: I’m pretty sure I heard you arguing with your sisters about who to vote for on some singing tv show. The X Files.
Me: The X Factor. I don’t watch that.
Dad: You told Nada you would slit her throat if she didn’t vote for CeCe. We all heard you.
Me: Ok who did you vote for to be president?
Dad: Do you know where my phone is?
Me: What? No. You lost your phone?
Dad: Your sister bought me a new case for my phone and now I have no idea where my phone is.
Me: What? How do you lose your whole pho-
Dad: Just stop buying me things. All of you.
Me: Wow. Ok. Can we talk about the presid-
Dad: Go in my office and see if your brother is doing his homework. He has a big test tomorrow and I’d like for that kid to pass one thing this year.
*I look into the room, Omar is Youtubing Wheel of Fortune bloopers, laughing wildly*
Me: Yeah he’s fine. Who did you vote for? Probably Dr. House, right? Haha.
Me: Did you vote for Obama? I think mom said you were.
Dad: You can’t vote for people who are not real. House is just a character on television. He’s not even a real doctor.
Me: So you voted for Obama?
Dad: He’s not even good at what he does. He just acts like it. And then gets away with it.
Me: Wait who are we talking about?
Dad: I know.
1 YEAR LATER: OUTTAKES
We had a lot of fun when we recorded this video over a year ago (that was a blatant lie) (I hated every second of it) (I’m sorry for lying to you guys) (Just watch this video to see how much I hated it) (If you need to see the original video again just scroll down to the previous post) (parenthesis) (sorry again for lying to you)
1 YEAR LATER: Video Q & A with my Sister
It’s been a year since my sister and I made this disaster of a video. This was one of my own personal favorite posts, so tomorrow I’m going to be posting a special video I made in honor of it. It’s a video compilation of some outtakes that occurred while recording this.
So you should take a stroll down mammary lane (Howard Stern reference), and watch this again. If you don’t, then tomorrow will make absolutely zero sense. (just like the rest of my blog LOLOLZ :( lollol)
In case you’re wondering or bored or lonely or sad or dying or a giraffe, this is the original post that inspired the Q & A video:
Rock on, you crazy literate giraffe. Enjoy the outtakes tomorrow.
My brother did it again.
This is the sequel to one of my most popular posts, My Brother’s Homework, where I introduced my 10-year-old brother Omar as the most hilarious 5th grader who doesn’t do anything productive ever and gets away with it.
For his latest assignment, he was supposed to “construct a physical diagram of a mountain.” Simple enough. It was supposed to look like something that this fucking nerd did:
God. Alright dude, we get it. You’re good at making shit that your mom is just going to throw away the second you bring it home. Sick ribbon too, bro. Make sure you show it off to all zero of your friends. I hate this kid.
Now that’s what my brother’s project was SUPPOSED to look like. It didn’t have to be that nerdy, but just something similar.
This is what my brother ACTUALLY put together.
And I promise you.
This was his project:
THAT’S HIS MOUNTAIN! I watched him make it. He started it at the beginning of a Spongebob episode he was watching and was done by the first commercial break.
He balled up a piece of paper that HE FOUND ON THE FLOOR, ran outside and got 3 blades of grass, and TAPED all of it to a piece of cardboard. In the hopes of teaching him a lesson, I told him to take his “project” and turn it in.
What I expected to happen: He would be embarrassed by Nerdy McDouche’s impeccable mountain and possibly be asked to leave the entire educational facility.
What actually happened: Omar came home and said he couldn’t believe how “crazy” all the projects were. He threw his in the trash before any of the other kids could see it and was going to say that he forgot it. A substitute teacher then came in and told the class that the projects were actually going to be due the next day. He and my sister then put together an amazing mountain. He turned it in the next day… and got an A. He got a fucking A.
I wasn’t going to let my brother get away with another one. He was going to get a lesson out of this one way or another. This is the quick heart-to-heart brotherly conversation that we had:
Me: Dude, listen to me. You’re my brother. I love you. But seriously you have to be adopted and also I don’t love you at all.
Omar: What did I do wrong?
Me: You didn’t take your project seriously!
Omar: I know. But what grade did I end up?
Me: That’s irrelevant! You didn’t learn anything!
Omar: I learned everything! All the things! Also what does irrelevant mean?
Omar: Hey. What Grade… Did I… End up with?
Retarded laughter coming from cool people is the only reason I’m able to do it. I know I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to but that’s only because I’ve been working on a lot of stuff. I promise it’ll be good. Thank you for clicking on anything that I’ve ever written. Ok bye.
I got to spend this past weekend in Los Angeles. I loved every second of it. This is my favorite picture from the trip. Every night I went to a different world famous comedy club, and the unbelievable Ralphie May dropped by the Hollywood Improv one night and did an unexpected set. After the show, Ralphie and I had an amazing discussion (no longer than 5 minutes) on comedy and what makes it “beautiful”. I wish I could write everything we talked about on here, but I’m still taking it all in. It was incredible. Everything about my weekend was incredible. So thank you Ralphie, thank you Los Angeles, and thank you comedy.
There’s a guy at work who’s really cool. Here are my tweets describing the few interactions I’ve had with him:
“goreadabook started following you”
um hey dude i’m like your #1 fan this is a dream come true!
My pleasure, Emily! Thanks for all the support. Nice blog!
The big story on the internet this Christmas season was all the kids who ran to tweet/blog/facebook about how they wanted to murder their parents right in the face for not getting them a new iPhone. For example:
Look at these assholes. You already have a cell phone SeanMcmaster1!! I see it in your profile picture!
Now I’m not defending all those kids without iPhones (mainly because I hate them and think they’re c-words*), but I didn’t get everything I asked for this holiday season either. My birthday is right around christmas anyway so there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t get EXACTLY EVERYTHING that I ask for.
*when I said “c-word”, I meant cunts
Here is the list of everything that I wanted but did not get:
- A monkey
- A cyborg
- A monkey-cyborg
- A human-centipede (had been asking for this one for weeks, genuinely pissed at all friends and family for not coming through on this one)
- A new iPhone
- Anything with a big red bow from those Lexus commercials
- A Lexus
- Another iPhone
- A new pen because my asshole co-worker Kyle stole my favorite one
- A human-centipede cyborg
- Season 3 of Saved by the Bell on DVD
- Kyle if you still have my pen I swear to god I’m going to go on a punching spree all over your stupid goddamn stealing face
- All the iPhones
- A house in the Philippians for my human-monkey-centipede cyborg
- World peace (LOL jk just another iPhone)
- I found my pen
- No gift cards to anywhere
- What kind of food do human-monkey-centipede cyborgs eat?
- Yes Kyle I know you got me an iPhone case but I asked for ANOTHER iPhone! Not a stupid case for the iPhone I ALREADY HAVE!
- The entire internet
- A human-monkey-centipede internet-cyborg (somebody please help me)
- A cure for psychotic clinical depression LOL lol
- The original cast of Saved by the Bell hanging out and watching 2 episodes of Boardwalk Empire with me
- I’ve never seen an episode of Saved by the Bell
- An iPad
Hello all. I hope you all are doing well. This is Kyle, Mohamed’s co-worker. Mo has asked me to contribute to his blog and write the last entry in his No Shave November feature. I believe he wanted an outside perspective of how views of him have changed since he started growing a beard. Honestly, I was not very familiar with “No Shave November” and unaware Mohamed was even participating in it until a week into the month when he started asking me unusual questions about “where beards come from”. I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not, but in fairness, I have difficulty comprehending Mo’s sense of humor.
I guess one major difference he’s shown recently is an increased hostility towards his colleagues, primarily myself. There were several instances where Mohamed would misplace some his work belongings and immediately accuse me of taking them. I would say the hostility has been the biggest issue. Even now, he said he would allow me to write this without him watching, and yet he’s resting his chin firmly on my shoulder reading this word-for-word and askxaszev z
Goddammit Kyle get the fuck back to your computer. I can’t just sit here and watch you bore the shit out of my blog with your impeccable grammar and use of my entire first name. And get off the floor, you’re fine.
Well guys, this is the end. I toughed out one long month and eventually learned to embrace the bearded lifestyle with open arms. Here’s what I look like after 30 days:
WEEK FOUR- Sorry it’s not my best shot. I think I just woke up or whatever. Just threw on a t-shirt to match my wall. What the fuck do you mean that’s not me, Kyle?? Read the name and arrow, bro! ARROWS DON’T LIE!
I’ll admit that there’s a small part of me that’s going to miss looking like that. Exactly like that. It’s a shame that No Shavember had to end so soon. I learned a lot during the month. Particularly, nothing. Not a goddamn thing.
Now obviously I couldn’t just chop the month-old beard off and go back to looking like a clean-cut 12 year old boy in one day. In fact I don’t think I’m ready to go back to being completely clean-cut at all. Thanks for following my No Shavember exploits everybody…
If you think this looks like a dude who would google image search “Jake Gyllenhaal beard sexy as hell” then you would be right.
Beards aren’t for everybody. Especially me. I don’t know what I’m doing with this fucking thing on my face. In week 2, I was battling the intense hate crimes that bearded people have to suffer through, particularly my co-worker Kyle stealing my pen (which I eventually found in the pocket of my pants that I had on the day before which is a weird place to put my stolen pen Kyle you asshole).
This week I had to deal with vicious verbal taunting which is also known as BULLYING! Kyle was on the phone with a client and I heard him mention that he just finished reading The Da Vinci Code. Ummm how fucking DARE you, Kyle?! I know that The Da Vinci Code was made into a film starring Tom Hanks who was also in Cast Away where he lost his mind because he grew a hideous gigantic homeless man beard! So you think I look like Tom Hanks’ character in Cast Away, Kyle?! (Unrelated Fun Movie Fact: Tom Hanks’ character in the movie Cast Away was named Tom Castaway).
Yes, internet. I know. This is what I’m dealing with. But don’t worry, I can stand up for myself. Kyle if you’re wondering what that weird smell is coming out of your desk drawer is, don’t worry. It’s just your cat’s head.
Oh and I’m banging your wife now.
Completely against her will.
WEEK THREE- Get me the fuck out of this crazy hairy world.
My dad has even noticed my new facial deformity. I knew this would happen and was luckily prepared to record our conversation. Here it is:
Dad: What’s on your face?
Me: What? Nothing.
Dad: Is that a mustache?
Me: A beard. I have a beard.
Dad: Why do you have a beard now?
Me: Why do you have a beard always?
Me: I don’t know why I have it.
Dad: Do you like it?
Me: I hate it. Some guy at work called me Cast Away today.
Dad: Are you trying to be like House?
Dad: House had a beard for a while. It was great. He saved a child with it. It was the episode wher-
Me: Wait how did his beard save a child?
Me: This is easily one of the worst conversations we’ve ever had. How long have you had your beard?
Me: Wow. How’d you do it?
Dad: Beards aren’t for everybody.
No they aren’t dad… no they are not…