January 2012
3 posts
The Cool Guy at Work
There’s a guy at work who’s really cool. Here are my tweets describing the few interactions I’ve had with him:
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CollegeHumor Staff Blog: Diaries of an Air Bud... →
Diary of an Air Bud Teammate
October 2nd, 1997
Wow! I made the basketball team! I can hardly believe it – all of that hard work and practice finally paid off. Coach Barker said he saw something special in me. I have the utmost faith in his judgment, and I will do my best to live up to his expectations.
Overall, the team looks absolutely stellar, save for one weird thing: some dog named Buddy...
December 2011
3 posts
emily-stamos:
“goreadabook started following you”
um hey dude i’m like your #1 fan this is a dream come true!
My pleasure, Emily! Thanks for all the support. Nice blog!
What I Didn't Get for My Birthday
The big story on the internet this Christmas season was all the kids who ran to tweet/blog/facebook about how they wanted to murder their parents right in the face for not getting them a new iPhone. For example:
Look at these assholes. You already have a cell phone SeanMcmaster1!! I see it in your profile picture!
Now I’m not defending all those kids without iPhones (mainly because I...
NO SHAVEMBER: The End
Hello all. I hope you all are doing well. This is Kyle, Mohamed’s co-worker. Mo has asked me to contribute to his blog and write the last entry in his No Shave November feature. I believe he wanted an outside perspective of how views of him have changed since he started growing a beard. Honestly, I was not very familiar with “No Shave November” and unaware Mohamed was even...
November 2011
4 posts
NO SHAVEMBER: Week 3
Beards aren’t for everybody. Especially me. I don’t know what I’m doing with this fucking thing on my face. In week 2, I was battling the intense hate crimes that bearded people have to suffer through, particularly my co-worker Kyle stealing my pen (which I eventually found in the pocket of my pants that I had on the day before which is a weird place to put my stolen pen Kyle you...
NO SHAVEMBER: Week 2
I’ve been no shaving for a full week now. I’ve also been completely falling apart for a full week now. Coincidence? Fucking of course not. I’ve already started to hate everything. If you’re not sure exactly what’s going on, it’s probably because you didn’t read the first entry in the “No Shavember” blog feature, you big asshole. Click right...
NO SHAVEMBER
Or whatever. I will not be shaving a single time this entire month because I will be participating in Movember with my fellow bros. I don’t usually grow my facial hair out, so this month will probably be interesting and horrific and rape-filled. Does anybody know why this is even a thing? Is it a save the whales thing? I hope not. I don’t care about the whales.
I’m going to be...
October 2011
2 posts
September 2011
3 posts
2 tags
WatchThis is me betting my brother 10 dollars that I could make a shot from half-court. Believe it or not, this was my FIRST try!
PS- I couldn’t have done it without my brother’s confidence in me…
On the Road with My Dad
My dad doesn’t like things. Any of them. Things piss him off. So a long drive with me to visit other family is just a long list things that he does not like. Here is an exerpt from this trip:
Dad: Put your grandmother’s address in the PGS. We should be close.
Me: The GPS, dad? Yeah, I already did. It says tha-
Dad: What does it say?
Me: God. It says that we’re 6 hours away.
...
I'm very excited...
about the blog entry I’ll be posting tomorrow. It’s about my dad. It’s funny (I think). My dad and I hope you read it.
Actually only I hope you read it.
My dad still doesn’t know what a blog is.
Actually please don’t read it. It’s awful and not funny.
But enjoy these old gems until then:
Fatherly Advice
My Father’s Birthday
My Brother’s Homework
August 2011
3 posts
A Tweet by Me:
A Tweet by a Co-Worker:
July 2011
6 posts
My Brother and I While Driving
Me: Have you thought about what you wanna be when you grow up?
My Brother: Yeah.
Me: What?
My Brother: A serial killer.
Me: …what?
My Brother: What?
Me: Do you even know what that means?
My Brother: Yeah. I’m gonna kill like, a bunch of people.
Bashed.
Yesterday I got completely bashed for an opinion I have on comedy. I didn’t make any jokes about Amy Winehouse and her death. Not because I thought it was distasteful or disgusting or “too soon”. But because I couldn’t think of any.
I didn’t have any opinion on her death. It doesn’t matter that she was a great singer or a drug addict or a human being....
“Look, I’m not saying that white people are better… I’m just...”
– Louis CK
June 2011
4 posts
WatchThis is my brother.
Me: Mom told me you failed your 5th grade writing test?
My Brother: Yeah. We had to make up a story.
Me: Okay. Well what’d you write about?
My Brother: A superhero named James. He’s half human and half man.
Me: Ah.
One Year Ago
Just realized it was one year ago today that I started this blog. I still hate everything about it.
And you.
For reading it.
Here are the top 5 blog entries based on view count the day I posted them. Don’t enjoy:
1. ) My Brother’s Homework
2. ) Let’s Play a Game
3. ) Video Q&A with My Sister
4. ) Fatherly Advice (my personal favorite)
5. ) Question & Answer...
A Tweet by Me:
A Tweet by a Co-Worker:
May 2011
5 posts
WatchShit guys! The world is ending tomorrow! Apparently a bunch of raptors are coming back to take us all away or whatever… just make sure you spend your last hours wisely and not do what I did (get a haircut). Happy doomsday everybody.
www.rejectedjokes.com
4 Asshole Babies
I was looking through my list of favorite tweets and came across something that I forgot was absolutely hilarious. Louis CK, my favorite comedian, was asked by a random tweeter if she could bring 5 babies to his stand-up. This was after Louis specifically asked his followers not to bring 4 babies to his show. He responded with this:
But he wasn’t done. He then followed up with the...
Me- “Did you brush your teeth this morning?”
My Brother- “No.”
Me- “Why not?”
My Brother- “I couldn’t find my toothbrush.”
Me- “What? What’d you do with it last?”
My Brother- “Threw it in the garbage can.”
My Brother's Homework
I got good grades when I was in elementary school. Exceptional grades, actually. So I usually got away with not being the most well-behaved student. In one of my report cards, a certain teacher described me as a “smart child with good intentions, but slight conduct issues… doesn’t shut the fuck up when he should. Also a weird racist”. That’s a true story.
My brother,...
April 2011
3 posts
A Tweet by me:
A Tweet by a co-worker:
“Just take the picture so we can get Lisa the fuck away from that thing.”
March 2011
4 posts
WatchThis turned out even worse than I thought it would. But it goes along with the rest of this shitty blog. LOL!!! … :(
… Thanks for the questions. Ok bye forever.
SAD, LOL, SAD!
“Oh man, the world is in such a terrible state… these horrific natural disasters and dreadful economic instability have become such a commo- HOMYGOD! LOL!! This fucking dog has eyebrows! HAHAHA!! I’M LAUGHING SO HARD! HAHA- oh wait a girl was raped and an entire country is about to explode….” -everybody who read this list of news items
The Internet is Awesome
Oh ok.
February 2011
7 posts
Need Your Help!
HEYYYYYY BFFs!!!
See that? See how nice I’m being? It’s only because I need something from you…
The next blog entry is gonna be a special one. Since many of you have asked to see more blog material of my sister (and some of you bastards even asked to meet her), I’m doing another Q & A, this one consisting solely of questions directed for her.
This is where you come...
Incredible News...
After nearly a year, my father has discovered my blog:
and he DIDN’T HATE IT (or kill me)!
“I showed your little computer page to a couple people at work. They loved it. I guess you actually know what you’re doing sometimes…”
-My dad, to me, during the greatest moment of my life.
“…but it still won’t stop me from killing you if you change the...
Q & A 2... (aka this is the 2nd question and...
This is the 2nd round of me answering questions that you crazy monsters anonymously submit to my blog. The hardest part was choosing which questions to answer. There was a lot. Like over 100 a lot. Thank you for the submissions. I really do love you people… no matter how much I hate you (and it’s a lot).
1.) If you could describe yourself in 3 words, what would they be?
Lazy.
...
January 2011
6 posts
“I bet Spain is a pretty country. Oh wait, I mean continent. Wait, isn’t...”
– My Sister Said It
NFL Mustache Ride
This past Sunday, the Bears and the Packers played an NFL game that did not involve the Carolina Panthers. This made it a little difficult for me to fully invest my emotions into this football game, as I typically would if the Panthers had been allowed to participate.
But that all changed in the 3rd quarter. The cameras cut to Bears QB Jay Cutler sitting on the bench, and next to him… was...